Answers to Questions you REALLY Care About...

Ah, law school. You’ve heard the stories. If you’re thinking of enrolling, I’m sure you’ve got some questions on your mind. And while you can call or e-mail the admissions department about the number of letters of recommendations you should send with your application, I’d bet you’d feel funny asking, “So do law school girls put out?” to the dean of student affairs. Rest assured, people! YouEssDee has your answers.

Question 1: Will I have time for a relationship?

Well, my politically correct friend, I hate to answer a question with a question, but what exactly do you mean by “relationship?” Let’s distinguish between different types of relationships.

There are your regular, run-of-the-mill relationships that involve going out to fancy dinners, renting movies and farting in front of each other. In my experience, it is easier to maintain a relationship that existed prior to law school than to begin one. So if you are single at the start--at least for your first year--you’re most likely going to be single come May.

But fear not! There are relationships, and then there are relationships*. Relationships* are everything relationships are...minus the fancy dinners, movies, farts, and pretty much anything else imaginable except for gettin’ it on! Relationships* (just like your partner) are easy. You get drunk--or for you outside-the-box types, high--and skip the formalities and just go at it...sexually. So if your question is, “Will I have time for a relationship*? My answer is: If you have 2-4 minutes to spare, yes!

The bigger question is, do you sleep around in your section? Or maybe your class? Are there ramifications to shitting where you eat? Of course. You just have to decide how badly you want it. This obviously depends on a) the hotness of your potential partner; and b) your desperation. Understand there will be ramifications. People talk. You’ve heard law school has drama, and believe me, each story always starts the same: “Did you hear about [law student A] and [law student B]?” Invariably, every detail known to the storyteller gets out. And for the listener, this is just awesome.

Your other option is to go out and explore the city in which you reside. Luckily for me, I go to school in San Diego. There are lots of people in this city. Lots of them you don’t see everyday. Might as well fuck one of them instead! Indeed, this might be the most ideal of situations. All the fun, no strings attached! Unless she’s got herpes. Then you’re screwed. So there is your answer. Relationships = no go. Relationships* = have fun, you horny bastard!

Question 2: Wait, wait, wait. What about those hot undergrad girls? You never mentioned them!

Ah, beautiful, perky, supple undergrads. Leaving them out above was no accident, sadly. These beautiful sirens, almost mythological in reputation, are sadly unattainable. Now this might be different at your school. But here at the USD (University of Spoiled Daughters), if you aren’t driving an Audi, Benz or Lexus, you are wasting your time. However, before I extinguish all hope, it is my duty to inform you that I have heard of at least one undergrad sitting out by the law school hoping some law student begin talking to her. This is a second-hand story, so I cannot verify this particular undergrad does not weigh less than 300 pounds. If I ever land your classic USD undergrad, I will probably go buy myself a lottery ticket, in addition to posting naked pictures here. (To all potential undergrads reading this: just kidding! To everyone else: no, I’m serious…)

Question 3: Help! I got drunk and am now laying in bed next to one of my classmates! What should I do?!

First, remember what I said above! You should’ve gone out there and found yourself a partner who doesn’t know what per curium, res ipsa loquitur, or duces tecum means. You’re an idiot! But, since you took the time to ask, I might as well try and help.

So...is she facing you? If not, you might have to kind or lean over to see her face. Is she hot? If so, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Soon, she will wake up and realize that you are in fact the ugly one and she’ll be more panicky than you are. However, if you are the better looking one, it’s time to act, and act fast. If this is not your house, sneak out and prepare yourself for one awkward Monday morning. May god help you if you sit next to her in class.

If you guys did the dirty deed at your place, you will need to get her out…preferably without your other roommates finding out. This is where attending law school has its benefits. Gently nudge her and tell her you still have a ton of reading to do. She’s in law school, she’ll understand. Most girls will want to kiss you goodbye. If you’re not into her, simply pat her on the shoulder as she leaves or give her a firm handshake goodbye. If you two are both equally embarrassed, perhaps no one will find out of your sultry and sticky situation. Just kidding, at least 5-7 other law students saw you two drunkenly hail a cab and drive off. They assumed you fucked, and even if you two only made out, it won’t matter. Sorry.

Well that should give you a window into our pathetic, monotonous lives. Your best first-year sex story is the one that never got out to the masses. It is better for your peers to assume you just lack any game whatsoever and fuck out of the public eye than to look like a slut/man-whore to your future co-workers. This is also a great excuse if you actually aren’t getting any. The line “I get mine, just not from any of our law school friends” sounds a lot better than “Well, I haven’t had sex in about 15 months now.”

Stay tuned for mailbag-type entries in the future, kiddos.

The Perils of Parking

You’re looking for me, aren’t you? Well I’m available and I’m waiting for you. I’m the last parking spot left. There are seven other cars circling the lots looking for me too. You’ve seen them; remember that blue Honda that you’ve passed three times now? So you had better hurry.

I know what you’re thinking: you should have gotten up earlier. You’re right, you should have. This search is your punishment for not being a better law student. You knew this would happen. You knew you would be driving up Linda Vista Road at 10:00 AM stressing about finding a parking spot. But being the lazy asshole that you are, you just had to hit the snooze button one more time. Next time just get the fuck up.

The best part is that we go through this every day. Sometimes you think you’ll outsmart everyone by trying to time your arrival so that you can park in the carpool spots, or you’ll wait even longer and try to time it with lunch. Too bad every other law student had that same thought. You guys are in law school for a reason.

So here we are; you’re looking and looking and looking. You’ve been up and down the parking garage, you’ve been to the law school lot, and you’ve even tried to find a parallel spot. Nothing. Now you’re dreading having to go down to the bottom lot and take the tram. You know, if you had just done that originally, you would have been in the library by now. I bet all the good spots in the library are gone too.

I can’t believe you haven’t found me yet. Tick tock, tick tock. It’s been 15 fucking minutes and you still don’t have a spot. If you weren’t so stubborn I would almost feel bad for you. Wait, I see you. You seen me too, don’t you? You’ve driving way too fast for a parking garage! Oh, that blue Honda just came around the other corner. Who’s it going to be… you or the Honda… and the winner is… THE BLUE HONDA!

Go take the tram. Have fun with that.

I'ma make you my bitch, kid.

It's me, your worst nightmare. Yep, the Rule Against Perpetuities. Remember when we first met? You, in the library. Me, on page 244 of your property book, sitting on the desk in front of you. I thought we had a connection. But no. You took one look at me, cocked an eyebrow and muttered, "Yeah...no thanks." I was offended. But it was cool. You know why? Because I always knew I'd come back to make make you my bitch.

And here we are. Your exam is less than 24 hours away.

Rule Against Perpetuities, one. Confused law student, zero.

I'm not going to lie, this is going to hurt. You thought you could skim through me like I'm adverse possession or, gasp, landlord/tenant relationships! Do those concepts get capitalized like I do? Fuck no! Everyone knows what the hell an eviction is! And because of your lack of respect, I'll be bending you over tomorrow during your property midterm. Your tears won't stop me. Just ask that 2L still sucking his thumb on the third floor the the library! I done told him I'd mess him up.

What? You didn't think the Rule Against Perpetuities could violate you physically? Think again! You can't spell Rule Against Perpetuities without "Repeat Rape." I'm the opposite of morning sickness. First I give you the headache, then I fuck you! And boy, you'll be so sore Friday morning that the only vested interest you'll have is for a week's supply of Vicodin.

Don't take it personally, kid. This isn't the end of the world. Hell, you might even do alright on the exam tomorrow. But don't fool yourself. I, the Rule Against Perpetuities, will make you grab your ankles, once, twice, probably three times. Don't say I didn't warn you. Best of luck, kid, with the rest of that midterm. My only advice is to study the concepts that aren't fucking capitalized, you arrogant bastard. Oh, and bring lube. You'll need lube for what I'm about to give you. Cause like I said at the beginning, I'ma make you my bitch, kid.

Sweet dreams,

R.A.P.

Hi Guys! I'm Gunnar!

Good ol' USD School of Law! The name's Gunnar. I think I met you at orientation! Oh man, what a blast that was! Isn't law school great? I can't believe we PAY to go here! I should warn you, I can't chat long. I'm off to go visit my Contracts professor for office hours. I think he and I have really hit it off! If I talk to him enough, I bet he'll give me a kick-ass recommendation!

Oh, so I'm throwing a party this weekend! There's gonna be so much tail there, bro! I'm gonna wake up at, like, 6 and crank out 50 pages of ConLaw and then we'll tap the keg in the afternoon! Do you think you can bring girls? I mean, I'm sure there will be a ton of 'em there, anyway, but the more the merrier, right?! I would invite more, but I'm always in that stupid library! Law school is so fun, yeah?!

Dude, have you started studying for finals yet? You haven't? Oh. I mean, that's cool. You'll still kill it. Speaking of killing, you should totally come to the Criminal Law Society's meeting tonight! I am deputy treasurer. It looks awesome on my resume! So I'll see you there, then? Oh, you have other things to do? That's cool, bro. Well I'll be in the library later on today from about 4 to midnight. You should say hi! Here, let me give you my cell number. Oh, you're in a hurry? OK, well, like I said, I need to get to my professor's office anyway. I'll see you in Torts tomorrow! It's gonna be just awesome! Should I save you a seat in the front row? Oh. Well, if you change your mind, holler at me! Seeya around, bro!