Answers to Questions you REALLY Care About...

Ah, law school. You’ve heard the stories. If you’re thinking of enrolling, I’m sure you’ve got some questions on your mind. And while you can call or e-mail the admissions department about the number of letters of recommendations you should send with your application, I’d bet you’d feel funny asking, “So do law school girls put out?” to the dean of student affairs. Rest assured, people! YouEssDee has your answers.

Question 1: Will I have time for a relationship?

Well, my politically correct friend, I hate to answer a question with a question, but what exactly do you mean by “relationship?” Let’s distinguish between different types of relationships.

There are your regular, run-of-the-mill relationships that involve going out to fancy dinners, renting movies and farting in front of each other. In my experience, it is easier to maintain a relationship that existed prior to law school than to begin one. So if you are single at the start--at least for your first year--you’re most likely going to be single come May.

But fear not! There are relationships, and then there are relationships*. Relationships* are everything relationships are...minus the fancy dinners, movies, farts, and pretty much anything else imaginable except for gettin’ it on! Relationships* (just like your partner) are easy. You get drunk--or for you outside-the-box types, high--and skip the formalities and just go at it...sexually. So if your question is, “Will I have time for a relationship*? My answer is: If you have 2-4 minutes to spare, yes!

The bigger question is, do you sleep around in your section? Or maybe your class? Are there ramifications to shitting where you eat? Of course. You just have to decide how badly you want it. This obviously depends on a) the hotness of your potential partner; and b) your desperation. Understand there will be ramifications. People talk. You’ve heard law school has drama, and believe me, each story always starts the same: “Did you hear about [law student A] and [law student B]?” Invariably, every detail known to the storyteller gets out. And for the listener, this is just awesome.

Your other option is to go out and explore the city in which you reside. Luckily for me, I go to school in San Diego. There are lots of people in this city. Lots of them you don’t see everyday. Might as well fuck one of them instead! Indeed, this might be the most ideal of situations. All the fun, no strings attached! Unless she’s got herpes. Then you’re screwed. So there is your answer. Relationships = no go. Relationships* = have fun, you horny bastard!

Question 2: Wait, wait, wait. What about those hot undergrad girls? You never mentioned them!

Ah, beautiful, perky, supple undergrads. Leaving them out above was no accident, sadly. These beautiful sirens, almost mythological in reputation, are sadly unattainable. Now this might be different at your school. But here at the USD (University of Spoiled Daughters), if you aren’t driving an Audi, Benz or Lexus, you are wasting your time. However, before I extinguish all hope, it is my duty to inform you that I have heard of at least one undergrad sitting out by the law school hoping some law student begin talking to her. This is a second-hand story, so I cannot verify this particular undergrad does not weigh less than 300 pounds. If I ever land your classic USD undergrad, I will probably go buy myself a lottery ticket, in addition to posting naked pictures here. (To all potential undergrads reading this: just kidding! To everyone else: no, I’m serious…)

Question 3: Help! I got drunk and am now laying in bed next to one of my classmates! What should I do?!

First, remember what I said above! You should’ve gone out there and found yourself a partner who doesn’t know what per curium, res ipsa loquitur, or duces tecum means. You’re an idiot! But, since you took the time to ask, I might as well try and help.

So...is she facing you? If not, you might have to kind or lean over to see her face. Is she hot? If so, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Soon, she will wake up and realize that you are in fact the ugly one and she’ll be more panicky than you are. However, if you are the better looking one, it’s time to act, and act fast. If this is not your house, sneak out and prepare yourself for one awkward Monday morning. May god help you if you sit next to her in class.

If you guys did the dirty deed at your place, you will need to get her out…preferably without your other roommates finding out. This is where attending law school has its benefits. Gently nudge her and tell her you still have a ton of reading to do. She’s in law school, she’ll understand. Most girls will want to kiss you goodbye. If you’re not into her, simply pat her on the shoulder as she leaves or give her a firm handshake goodbye. If you two are both equally embarrassed, perhaps no one will find out of your sultry and sticky situation. Just kidding, at least 5-7 other law students saw you two drunkenly hail a cab and drive off. They assumed you fucked, and even if you two only made out, it won’t matter. Sorry.

Well that should give you a window into our pathetic, monotonous lives. Your best first-year sex story is the one that never got out to the masses. It is better for your peers to assume you just lack any game whatsoever and fuck out of the public eye than to look like a slut/man-whore to your future co-workers. This is also a great excuse if you actually aren’t getting any. The line “I get mine, just not from any of our law school friends” sounds a lot better than “Well, I haven’t had sex in about 15 months now.”

Stay tuned for mailbag-type entries in the future, kiddos.